


Why am I here?

by Tyrone_Soulsmite



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Anger fit, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Doubts about life, Hurt No Comfort, Panic Attack, but maybe Patton should change his perspective a bit, fake smiles, feeling left behind/abandoned, the sides are not toxic or abusive, toxic thinking, vent fic, wrong coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:47:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29092971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyrone_Soulsmite/pseuds/Tyrone_Soulsmite
Summary: After a very stressful week, Patton takes a good look on his relationship with his friends. And some old known feelings come up.
Relationships: Morality | Patton Sanders & Everyone
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Why am I here?

Sometimes Patton asked himself why he was even here. That was not meant in a geographical sense. Well at least not completely. He knew why he was here, in his apartment. Alone. Laying on his carpet and looking up at the string lights, which battery was nearly empty and therefore, only illuminated the ceiling very weakly. It was because he didn’t feel like going out, because no matter with who he’d go or talk: he’d just feel more like... whatever he had been feeling for this whole week. 

His whole life he had fought with this kind of feeling that was just an ugly, twisted knot of envy and anger and confusion and so many more dark feelings he repressed on a daily basis. God forbid he felt anything of that kind. Those feelings made him feel so rotten to the core, but at the same time... it was like he had grown wings when he allowed them to take hold of his heart and mind for a couple of hours.   
Normally, they show up a few times during the week or month, barely noticeable. But then there are certain couple of days, sometimes even weeks, up to months, in which he cannot seem to feel any different. And Patton always felt guilty... oh god how guilty he felt. Ashamed of how foolishly he failed to keep the facade of the happy friend up, who always understood everyone and everything, never judged and had to respect everyones boundaries without even a slip up. Who would fall into an incredible deep pit of guilt and shame, whenever he messed up and hurt his friends even a little. Now ashamed that he couldn’t even convince himself of that role, while his inner core seemed to be so infected with those toxic feelings, but he couldn’t take it anymore! 

They started to come back up last week, when he was so thrilled to watch a season finale of a series he had watched with Emile. They were so deep in the fandom and among his friends, Emile was the ONLY one, who was so into this series at this degree and understood why. Why you felt so much with the characters and why this series was just so GREAT. and EVERYTHING to Patton. He was so looking forward to this. Then the text message came and Patton felt something cracking inside of him. He was laying awake for a few days, wondering, if it was his fault. Maybe if he hadn’t been rambling so much about the series Emile wouldn’t have lost interest? What if he talked a bit less about the themes that made Emile a bit uncomfortable. Then maybe he wouldn’t have said that he needed a bit of distance from the whole thing. And needed some alone time. Away from Patton. 

And of course that was fine. It was ALWAYS fine. Because what was Patton gonna do? Tie him to the couch and FORCE him to watch it with him? No please. That would be ridiculous. And besides: that’s not who he was. He was understanding, lovely, respecting Patton. Always leaving his friends their space when they needed it. 

Til Tuesday he had asked everyone else who knew even a tiny bit about the show if they’d like to watch it with him, but to no avail. They had no interest. And of course that was fine. He couldn’t force it onto them. That would be mean and toxic and that wasn’t him. 

He tried to distract himself with his work but his mind couldn’t stop drifting back to the thing he lost with Emile. It seemed silly for other people, this was just a series. But for Patton it was... just more. Geeking about this series with Emile had been sparking his creative force and many happy feelings for the past half year. It was fun, it was relaxing. It were hours of them talking about it and just forgetting about the world for a minute. Or two. Or multiple.   
Of course he could just search another series and talk about it with another friend, but deep down he knew this wasn’t just about the cartoon. 

This wasn’t the first time he was left alone like this. This had happened multiple times- with 29 people to be clear. Yes, he had counted them out. And each time it hurt a bit more. Of course he wasn’t perfect, he also had left people a time or two, so he guess he deserved this.   
And still it wouldn’t stop to hurt.   
To hurt and start this anger inside of him again. Did he really deserve this? Him, who put the feelings of others always above his own? Who always drove to his friends whenever they needed a ride, no matter if he maybe didn’t have time or money for gas? Who put so much thought into little gifts for his friends? Who listened to them vent and vent and give them all the support he could? Who fought for everyone day in and out, by staying the positive one and giving advice without ever asking for something in return? 

His hands balled into fists as he punched the carpet underneath him before he had to put them in front of his face. Hoping it could stop the tears and the rising heat in his throat. “Oh.... god...”  
Patton whispered brokenly as the tears spilled over underneath his fists. He felt how it bubbled up inside of him again. This feeling of pure unfairness. Because no matter how hard he worked, he loses. Always.   
It was a bit like entering a casino. You start with a 10 dollar input and get nothing back. Then you start to put more money in. 20 Dollars. 50 dollars. 100. 250. 1000. And so on and on. Hoping every time that it had to work this time! The universe couldn’t be this cruel and never ever let you even win a small bit. ... right?   
And of course not! You get something back. After a money input of 400K cash, you come back with maybe 100 dollars. And then you ask yourself... shouldn’t I leave the casino?   
If I am obviously not good at playing and only lose... shouldn’t I just go? 

Which brings him back to the question from the beginning. Why is he even here? Seriously. 

He cares for his friends with all his heart. But it is obvious that this feeling isn’t mutual. No one calls him to ask how he is doing. No one has time to do something outside for fun. No one of his dear friends could spare even 10 minutes to listen to him and actually give more of an answer than “Sorry you have to go through that” and then leave him on ‘read’ for the next several messages.   
Seriously? Could it get any more passiv? Was it that much to ask for some actual sympathy or advice? 

“No Patton, stop...” ,he whimpered to himself. “That’s selfish. No one has to listen to you, you cannot make them. They have their own life and problems. They have free will and if they obviously don’t want to listen to you so be it. That’s not their fault, right?”   
And like all the other times this week he had trouble to answer this question. Because the bitter feeling of being left behind and alone was once again so.... so... strong. And deeply cut into his chest without any hope of healing. No matter what he did, in the end, they would leave him behind either way. And until then, they put the least amount of effort into their relationship.   
Did he really matter this little to his friends? Was he really that pathetic and annoying to have around? 

Sometimes Patton wondered if he ever chose the wrong friends or just was the wrong friend. Feeling the accusation, of who was guilty of being a bad friend, bounce between him and them like a tennis-ball at a tennis-match. It changed with each 5 minutes and it was so exhausting. His mind wouldn’t stop rattling. His chest could never stop constricting itself further and further. The tears would never stop coming. And Anger, bitterness, guilt and regret would never stop dancing around in his head. 

What did he do wrong? What did he do to deserve this kind of torture?   
“Fuck...... please... please just-“ ,his sobs were interrupted by his phone, illuminating the room and drowning the soft, yellow string lights in a pool of sick white light. It informed him that his friends were on a discord call and probably playing some online games. He knows he could join them, but he was just so tired today... this whole week he had been way too tired to play the happy, understanding and never judging friend. He was exhausted. 

And even if he wasn’t he still couldn’t do it. Because, if he liked it or not: he was angry. And in this moment he didn’t care if it was selfish, he felt like he deserved to be angry. Even if no one was around to watch it. He threw the phone far away from him, grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. Letting all the stress of this week out. All the times they rejected him in most different ways. All the times they didn’t check on him, even tho they had enough hints to guess that he was far from mentally stable. And all the times he had to put on an understanding face and say it was “no problem” 

Of course it wasn’t a problem. Would be ridiculous if it was, wouldn’t it? If someone like Patton actually needed this attention for once and- oh who knows- someone to hold him for a change.   
The angry shouts slowly died down and for a few moments Patton could only breathe hot against the pillow. His mind thankfully empty from the aftermath of his fit, before the bitterness returned. And it had a strong knock back.   
“Why does this keep happening to me?” He asked himself before he broke out into silent, but louder getting wails. 

Because he knew, without the shadow of a doubt, that this would eventually go on forever. He couldn’t live without friends and be lonely for the rest of his life. This would kill him. But at the same time, having friends and being a good friend in return, was absolute torture. Because that’s just the way his life was. Always has been. One would think that ,after all this time and heartbreak, he got used to it. But he didn’t. He could never. 

So why was he even still here?

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the bad grammar and writing style. I wrote this to let some steam out and to vent. Plus I am no native speaker but I hope you somehow enjoyed either way.


End file.
